Sweet smiles. Cute texts. Small gestures. These are the things that make a new relationship so exciting. You have finally established that you both have feelings for each other and have taken that step of making it an official relationship. This is an exhilarating time because you are still trying to woo each other, but there is no stress of wondering whether feelings are mutual or if you are just making a fool of yourself. You are together and you are happy!

Although things are in the honeymoon stage and you are most likely in a state of bliss, new relationships can also bring a little pressure. I am two months into my new relationship, but the first month brought Christmas, New Year’s, and his birthday along with it. The beginning of a relationship is when you are discovering each other and finding out the little things that make up this person that you are so infatuated with. Having Christmas and his birthday come at me right at the get-go definitely gave me anxiety because gift-giving is already difficult in itself. Adding on the pressure of wanting to give my boyfriend something meaningful but not wanting to go overboard and not being completely sure as to what he would want really packed on the pressure!

In situations like this, it is good that you would want to impress your new significant other, but it is also important to remember that you are what attracted them in the first place, not what you buy for them. It may sound cliche, but they will truly like anything you give them because the thought really does count!

Another way that new relationships can bring stress is letting your true colors show. In the “talking” stage, there is a level of intimacy where you let the other person in as you get to know each other, but there is still that level of mysteriousness that makes them want to know more. Once you define yourselves as a couple, the walls start to come down, and you may get nervous that your partner may not like what they see. When this happens, you should take the time to remember that you both decided to take the step into being in a relationship. That requires a certain level of dedication to a person, as well as a level of trust. Starting a relationship by trying to hide yourself because you are afraid that the other person may think you are crazy is not a good way to start out. You need to be able to trust in the feelings that your significant other has for you.

Having said all of that, soak in every second of your new relationship! It is an exciting and happy time! You never know what relationships can lead to, but it is important to enjoy it and make the most of it!

For those unfamiliar with the term, an individual with Broken Picker Syndrome repeatedly chooses inappropriate persons to date (or sometimes even marry). For whatever reason, this person has fallen into a habit of attempting to connect with people who can never offer them what they want, which is an authentic, healthy, long-term partnership. Often others will say this individual doesn’t believe they deserve better.

However, what I see is people who think they won’t find anything better, which is actually a different beast altogether. One suggests problems with self-esteem and lack of appreciation for your own personhood, while the other reflects the exhaustion and disappointment that can come from the dating experience. Sometimes, when we feel hopeless about finding a true partner, we accept less than what we want and need. So, in the tradition of the comedian Jeff Foxworthy, you might have broken picker syndrome if:

• You continue to date the same person over and over. In this case, we’re not talking about the actual same person.  It’s more that you have a ‘type’—a person who fits the same description. While the faces change, the person underneath is the same. It could be someone who is superficially charming—says all the right things, has a well-kept appearance, but does not deliver when you actually need them to.  Or it could be someone high-maintenance, who seems to have an endless list of needs, leaving little space for you or what you want in the relationship.  Most difficult of all, it could be someone who cycles between seeming to treat you well and being abusive, such as putting you down or not ‘allowing’ you to see friends or family members.  Whatever the case may be, if you look back at your list of loves and notice the same pattern of behaviors, it’s time to take a step back and figure out how you can prevent yourself from choosing the same type of person the next time around.
• You literally date the same person again and again. Unlike the trait above, you literally keep coming back to the exact same person.  You may date other people in between, but you return to one person repeatedly, despite the relationship not having worked the past one or two (three, four) times. Unless an individual has made significant and obvious changes, there is no reason to date the same person again.  Promising to change does not count as actually making a change.  The only couples I have seen that have successfully made a relationship work on a second go-round are ones in which one or both people made real changes, typically while they had been separated from each other for several years or more.  If you both are walking into the relationship the same people that you were the first time, it is unlikely to be any different this time around.
• You continue to date persons who can’t or won’t make a commitment to you. There is often talk of people who willfully mislead us in the dating environment, who “play games,” or pretend to be something that they’re not. However, in my experience, people often tell us the truth about themselves; the problem is that we refuse to listen.  For instance, if someone tells you that they’re “not looking for anything serious,” or they’re “too busy to be in a committed relationship at the moment.”  Believe them.  This is not an invitation for you to try to overcome the boundary that they have set.  Respect it.  Unless you genuinely share this person’s sentiment, it’s time to call it off.

The tragic thing about Broken Picker Syndrome is that it keeps you stuck with persons who can never truly fulfill your needs. For whatever reason, perhaps through no fault of their own, this person is not a long term match. You probably have real feelings for this person, who, no doubt, has some positive qualities (or you would not have been attracted to them).  However, while it can be difficult to let go of the person in front of you, moving on is the only way to achieve real commitment and connection.

I talk to people all the time about how their relationships are going. “Eh…we fight all the time….we never see each other…they’re too clingy…” is what I often hear. It makes me wonder, what’s the point is in dating? With all the bad habits and complaints I see in the couples around me, sometimes I even wonder if I’m better off being single.

Luckily, I have been able to see some very successful relationships filled with happiness and understanding. My grandparents, for example, have been together for 50 years and they are still just as in love with each other as the day they met. By being able to watch them grow and interact as a unit, I can see how fulfilling a relationship can be.. and the kind of habits it takes to get there.

When it comes to the relationship between my grandparents, they communicate so well with each other. They are able to talk through issues calmly and rationally without fighting. They understand one another and work together as a team using their words to solve a problem. My grandparents also never stop saying “I love you” even when there is an argument. By communicating their love and listening well, even in conflicts, it’s easier to work with your significant other to resolve issues and build a better relationship.

I also notice that time apart really helps strengthen a relationship. The look on my grandfather’s face when my grandma walks through the door after she is out all day doing her own activities melts my heart. The fact that they are able to take time apart to do their own thing, builds healthy boundaries and keeps life interesting for both of you. So, try doing spending some alone time with yourself or go out with your girlfriends.

Having a sense of appreciation for one another should be a daily habit with the people you love. My grandpa thanks my grandma for every meal and makes her feel special for all of the kind things she does for him. In return, my grandma praises him for doing tasks around the house like changing the oil in the car or replacing a window. Appreciating what each person brings to a relationship can really make the other person feel special and those feelings will help you get through the frustrations and challenges that are inevitable.

Developing habits to make your love last isn’t always easy but it does make your relationship better. Simple things done consistently can help you build the kind of love that I admire in my grandparents and that I think most of us are looking for.