There are so many wonderful bloggers and other online resources out there regarding mental health. As with everything online, we must use a critical eye and beware of less than reputable information sources, but all in all there really is a plethora of great information available for all of us to read, share, and learn from. Every now and then I stumble upon a personal account of someone else’s mental health care journey that resonates with my work- today was one of those days. Take a look at this post on a relatively new blog called In Mind.
First impressions | In Mind.
I just want to say kudos to the author who seems to really understand what the therapeutic relationship is all about- a compassionate collaboration working toward the same goals. I wish her all the best in her search for a new partner in her continuing journey.
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even your seasonal allergies can be influenced by your mental health; make your emotional well-being as important as your physical health.
If you are like me then the falling leaves and crisp cool air of fall’s arrival also means the arrival of sneezing, congestion, and runny noses. Although spring takes the wrap for being “allergy season” the truth is that for many people autumn is just as bad or even worse. Ragweed and mold, common triggers for those with allergies, are plentiful in the fall causing many of us to suffer rather than celebrate the beauty of changing leaves and pumpkin patches. The thought of watery eyes and clogged sinuses may give some of you reason to feel anxious about the impending season but what about panic attacks or depression? It turns out that there is a small but growing body of research exploring the link between seasonal allergies and mood disorders including anxiety and depression.
For those suffering with asthma, the link between emotional state and respiratory function may already be obvious. The Academy for Asthma and Allergy and numerous other health organizations and have identified emotional stress and anxiety as possible triggers for asthma attacks. And much has been written on the impact that depression and anxiety disorders can have on your immune system thus making you more susceptible increased symptoms. But what about the impact of allergies on the likelihood of developing anxiety symptoms? A recent study in the American Journal of Psychiatry suggests that the connection between mood disorders and respiratory illness (like asthma and hay fever) may not be so clear cut. It seems that there is a high incidence of asthma/allergies and mood disorders. While significant enough to warrant further study, there is no research to suggest whether one causes the other or if there is one common factor that increases the likelihood of both allergies and anxiety. At least not yet.
While we are a long way from fully understanding how these two conditions may be related it is another example of the inescapable connection between mental health and physical health. Maybe one day we will treat anxiety with allergy shots or manage asthma with psychotherapy but for now it seems the best way to treat whatever ails you is to remember the power of the mind-body connection. Health care is a holistic endeavor and in order to truly be healthy we must tend to your complete self- mind, body, and spirit. So the next time you are reaching for your allergy medicine, take a minute to think about how you can reduce stress or increase social support. The combination of addressing your physical and emotional needs can only lead to a more enjoyable and healthier season.
For more ideas on how to manage your stress check out this article I wrote last winter on avoiding stress
As a new school year begins for most of us our thoughts often turn to simplifying and if you are like me… fresh starts. While it’s not true down here in DC, when I was a kid in upstate NY the new school year always felt like the beginning of something new. As the leaves began to turn and fall from the trees and the cool, crisp air of fall crept into each day I would find myself thinking about what I wanted this new year to be about; wondering how I would use these next few months to recreate myself, my life, my goals. In fact it may be this sense of renewal each fall that makes me at my core a perpetual student… if my life (and my husband) would allow it I could be a student forever. But beyond my obsession with learning, the start of any season or project is an opportunity to take a look at where you are and where you want to go. With that in mind I wanted to share with you all a guest post from Chris Guillebeau at Zen Habits (side note: if your life is feeling cluttered, physically or emotionally, be sure to check out Zen Habits for yourself, Leo Babauta has some great ideas for you to ponder). Chris, in his every wise and minimalist way, offers some insights on how conformity can hold us back from finding our true passions. Check it out and then tell me, how are you going to break free from the expectations of others this fall and devote more time to what’s most important to you?
Staring Out Over the Bridge
Zen Habits Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Chris Guillebeau of The Art of Non-Conformity. Follow him on Twitter here.
When you were a kid and wanted to do something your parents or teachers didn’t like, you may have heard the question, “If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?” The idea is that it’s not good to do something stupid, even if everyone else is doing it. The logic is think for yourself instead of following the crowd.
It’s good advice, regardless of the motivations of the authority figure giving it to you. But one day, you grow up and suddenly the tables are turned. People start expecting you to behave very much like they do. If you disagree and don’t conform to their expectations, some of them get confused or irritated. It’s almost as if they are asking: “Hey, everyone else is jumping off the bridge. Why aren’t you?”
Every day, you’ll encounter the bridge in countless decisions and conversations—but the choice of whether to jump or not is completely up to you. How can you back away and make your own choices?
Try this:
1. Ask why. A powerful, annoying question, why is frequently used by three-year-olds but usually abandoned by adults. Support the why revolution. Start asking why of everyone, including yourself.
2. Clarify. What’s it all about? What do you really want to do, and how can you make that the priority?
3. Simplify. That’s what minimalism is all about—letting go and living the dream. But the best part of simplicity has nothing to do with how many socks you own; it lies in being clear about your intentions and motivations.
4. Do … more. That’s right, do more, not less. When you don’t know your core passions and are staring out over the bridge, it’s good to back off and strip everything down. But when you’re crafting a remarkable life, why wouldn’t you want more of it?
Here are a few options for step four: learn a language. Write a book. Take a trip. Learn to walk on hot coals. Enroll in trapeze school. Volunteer.
Or do something else—it’s a big world out there. The main question is: How can you wake up tomorrow and live the life you want, while also connecting with the world around you?
Most of us don’t really want the simplest possible life. We want a life that is free from clutter, yes—but we need to connect our lives with a greater purpose. We don’t need to own things we don’t use, but we should spend freely on meaningful experiences. We should invest in ourselves and invest in others.
Take a hard look at the life before you. Are you staring out over the bridge? Take a step back. Decide for yourself what’s best.
At the start of 2010 I adopted a theme for the year. A single concept to help direct my projects, personal and professional, as well as a guidepost to help me get centered again when life got overwhelming or out of control as it inevitably does. My theme for this year is compassion. It’s a simple idea really, but I have found that not only has it helped lend some order to my otherwise crazy life, it has become an essential theme to my clinical work with married couples.
So, what is compassion exactly and how can it help bring harmony, joy and a deeper love into your marriage? Let’s start with the definition: “Compassion is an emotion prompted by the pain of others. More vigorous than empathy, the feeling commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another’s suffering.”
In simple terms, compassion is empathy in action. So then what is empathy, really? For many of us, empathy is a sometimes-elusive concept. Similar to sympathy, empathy takes us from feeling bad for someone’s predicament to a place where we actual put ourselves in their shoes and feel what they are feeling as if it were happening to us.
I think Actress Rosie Perez explained empathy for husbands best in the movie “White Men Can’t Jump” when she said, “When your wife is thirsty, empathy says, ‘I too know what it is to thirst.’
Compassion says the same thing and then gets up and gets her a bottle of water. If empathy is to feel another person’s suffering, compassion is to feel it and then try to comfort them as if their pain were your pain. Simple enough, right? Well not exactly.
Compassion is not about fixing. It’s about understanding and comforting. For many husbands hearing their wife’s complaint about a co-worker or a problem with one of the kids, triggers their inner “fixer” and they immediately offer solutions or make decisions to solve the perceived problem. These poor guys and gals (there are “fixer” wives out there too) are missing the most essential key to a compassionate marriage—understanding. Compassion begins with understanding on an emotional level, the reason for our partner’s suffering. The trouble is that understanding our spouse means that they have to understand the root of their suffering first.
Recognizing Compassionate Moments
Now I know that suffering may sound like an extreme description for a tough day at the office or a minor misunderstanding between spouses, but I use this word on purpose. When we are stressed, overwhelmed, upset or emotionally disconnected from our loved ones (even briefly), the emotional response is one of suffering. It is real and it is powerful and the first step to truly understanding our partner and ourselves is to acknowledge the magnitude of “minor issues” on our well-being. The interesting paradox is that the more compassionate we are with ourselves, the more we begin to appreciate that everyone around us is suffering too, and suddenly we are more compassionate with everyone.
For many, the most difficult part of living more compassionately is learning to be compassionate with ourselves and trusting that our partners will do the same. How many times have you gotten into a debate about who had a more stressful day at work? Husbands and wives are not bickering over who has a tougher day because they really think that one of them will win, there’s no prize for having the crappiest day. They are fighting for the right to be comforted. It is as if we believe that only one person can be comforted at a time and we must fight to claim it for ourselves. There are not a limited number of spots for compassion or special criteria you must meet. There isn’t a shortage of comforting unless we create one. The unfortunate reality is that suffering is everywhere and with everyone. And just as suffering is in endless supply, fortunately so is comfort and compassion.
The trouble is that we are often taught to minimize our problems. We compare our issues to someone else’s and feel that we are not worthy of compassion because our problems aren’t that bad. We tell our children, and ourselves, to stop complaining because someone else is worse off than you. How often do you chastise yourself for feeling upset about your husband’s lack of help around the house when you know that your neighbor’s husband just moved in with his mistress? This is a common response but it keeps us stuck. When we force ourselves (and our spouse) to defend our experience of suffering we build resentment and create a cycle of increasing pain. In order to move forward we must learn to shift from a mentality of shortage to one of abundance. Just as there is an abundance of pain there can be an abundance of love and understanding but we must begin with ourselves.
Putting Compassion Into Action
Of course there are degrees of suffering. Your frustration with your husband’s lack of bathroom cleaning is not the same as someone else’s struggle with infidelity; but dismissing your experience as unworthy of compassion sets you and your spouse up for even greater distress. Many times we think that by allowing ourselves to feel upset or sad or hurt by minor issues (however you choose to define that) we are being self-indulgent or giving power to these experiences. The truth is that our pain gets its power from our denial or minimization of it. Like a small area of mold in your basement, left untreated our pain only grows and spreads, it will not resolve itself without our attention. When we validate the suffering in our lives, no matter how small or “insignificant” they may seem, we are suddenly able to accept the comfort we so desperately seek and let it go. Moving on means first acknowledging where we are.
When you can gently acknowledge that your suffering over the dirty bathrooms is real, you are then able to go deeper and learn to understand more about yourself. Maybe the pain about housework is just a tangible example of loneliness you feel when your husband is preoccupied and too busy to take care of you and the house. By being compassionate with yourself first, you can help your husband understand that experience, enabling him to offer comfort to your emotional pain rather than solutions to the physical problem of a dirty toilet. Hiring a cleaning person to clean bathrooms once a week in not likely to alleviate your sense of abandonment; however hiring someone and then using that time to go on a date together could give you the comfort you seek, and keep those toilets sparkling.
This is where the magic of compassionate living happens, as you learn to be compassionate with yourself, you create a space for your spouse to be more compassionate with you. If you can learn to look at each other with compassion rather than competition, you will find that there is more than enough to go around. And as you learn to stop fighting for comfort your suffering is relieved and you are better able to offer your spouse the compassion that he seeks. And so a new cycle begins, one of understanding, validation, and loving connection. A compassionate marriage is built on the idea that everyone experiences some level of pain everyday and that by honoring that and seeking to really understand it you can grow closer to one another. And together, you can create a life and relationship in which you are able to put empathy into action and love each other more fully.
If you are a regular reader of this blog then you know that we are passionate about compassion, particularly self-compassion as a way to strengthen relationships and lead a more fulfilling life. It is my belief that compassion is the core of truly loving ourselves and others. But what do you do if you are struggling to be compassionate? Maybe you grew up in a family that was not emotionally available or accepting, or you’ve had relationships that were abusive and damaged your self image, or maybe you don’t know why but there is a voice inside that says you are not good enough or worthy of unconditional love. Far too often we attempt to fill this void with things or other people with no success. What many of us need is a place to understand what that emptiness is about and then a nurturing, compassionate support system to help you begin to heal it. That is what therapy can do. A good therapist can offer you a safe haven in your life to take stock of your flaws and your emotional wounds in an effort to move on. As we often say at Group Therapy Associates, “everyone can use a little therapy” but maybe you aren’t convinced that your problems are “big enough” or “worthy” of the investment or that therapy can even help you. In those times it is useful to devote some time to evaluate where you are in all the areas of your life before you decide what to do next. Paul Brunson of OneDegreeFrom.Me offers 3 tips you can do on your own to begin the process of loving yourself more fully. Check out his vlog below and then tune in tomorrow afternoon to Everyone Could Use a Little Therapy, our BlogTalkRadio show tomorrow at 4:30 pm EST to hear Paul live chatting about dating, relationships, and learning love yourself and your partner. Don’t forget to call in live with your questions to 917-889-8994 or email them before the show to [email protected].
Hi everyone! Thanks so much for tuning into our first episode of Everyone Could Use a Little Therapy on BlogTalkRadio.com this afternoon. Llouana and I had a great time chatting about the joys and hurdles of adolescence. If you were not able to catch us live, you can still listen to the archived recording online. Visit our homepage or our Blog Talk Radio show page to access the player.
We can’t wait to get back on the air July 13 when we will talk with Paul Brunson from One Degree From Me about dating, love, and keeping the passion alive in your relationships. Don’t miss what is sure to be a fantastic show.
On today’s show we mentioned a number of different resources and as promised, they are listed below.
Worried About a Moody Teenager? (This is an excellent article in the Wall Street Journal for every parent, caregiver, and teenager to read on identifying the red flags of mental illness in adolescence.)
Motivation and Flow- The Teenage Edition
Be sure to check out our post of web resources for teens. It includes site with advice and information on everything from puberty to nutrition to sex to friendship. A great to list for teens and parents alike.
If you are in the Northern Virginia/Washington DC area, please call our offices if you are looking for a therapist. Even if our offices are not convenient, we are always happy to refer local inquiries to many of our excellent colleagues in the area. If you are outside of our local region, check out some of the online therapy directories listed below as a starting point for finding the right professional for you.
“I have found a person that I can discuss hard decisions with. “
“I have been empowered to handle situations better… my daughter and I have benefited tremendously!”
“I appreciate [Esther's] creative approach and have referred clients to her. We collaborated recently on a case, and her insight and sensitive work with the family impressed me.”
“Working with Group Therapy Associates has helped every aspect of my life… my relationship with my daughter, dealing with the loss of my husband, work issues, and dealing with people.”
“Our therapist was able to fit us in just days after the incident that almost ended our marriage and she helped us to discover whether or not we should continue to be together.”
“We have been in counseling for a year after an emotional affair, we are rebuilding trust and 100% closer as a result. Llouana has helped us to open communication and feel safe.”
“I was worried that my relationship with my husband wouldn’t get better because he refused to come; but Esther has given me the tools to communicate better with him.”
“I have been healed in the course of therapy. Excellent therapist, close to home.”
personal and professional, as well as a guidepost to help me get centered again when life got overwhelming or out of control as it inevitably does. My theme for this year is compassion. It’s a simple idea really, but I have found that not only has it helped lend some order to my otherwise crazy life, it has become an essential theme to my clinical work with married couples.
