As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve always believed in the power of commitment. Marriage is one of the most significant commitments one can make, and I’ve seen firsthand the strength it takes to weather the storms that inevitably come. But over the years, I’ve also learned that sometimes, the most courageous decision you can make is to let go.
It might sound counterintuitive, especially coming from someone whose profession is built around helping couples stay together. However, there are times when staying in a relationship does more harm than good. When the light at the end of the tunnel shines not on a future together, but on a life where both partners are free from suffering, choosing heartbreak becomes an act of bravery.
Understanding When to Let Go
Staying together when the foundation for a healthy relationship is no longer there isn’t a sacrifice that serves anyone. Yes, fight for your love and your family, but also be honest about what you had, what you have now, and how willing you both are to work on what you might have in the future. This clarity is essential in determining whether the relationship can be saved or if it’s time to move on.
One surprising revelation I’ve encountered as a therapist is how many couples, in individual sessions, admit that they had doubts about their relationship from the very beginning. Whether it was unresolved feelings for an ex or a sense of settling due to self-doubt, these individuals often knew deep down that their relationship wasn’t built to last.
The Hard Truth About Settling
Marriage is one of the most challenging tests of our personal growth and capacity for love. It’s not a journey to be taken with someone who just happened to be there at the right time or place. Settling for “good enough” rather than finding the right partner is like deciding to climb Mount Everest with the first guide you meet—you’re likely to face a moment when you realize your misguided choices have led you to a place where you can’t move forward together.
When the Right Person Feels Wrong
But what happens when you chose the right person, yet things seem to be falling apart? This is often the hardest phase of marriage—the murky, painful stage where disappointment and frustration make you question everything. It’s a universal experience for couples, but it doesn’t make it any less difficult.
In these moments, time and self-reflection can help you determine the next steps. If, after deep introspection, you find more good than bad, it may be worth working through the issues. But if the balance tips the other way, it might be time to consider a different path.
The Courage to Choose Heartbreak
The road from where you are to where you want to be is steep and rocky, and it requires the work of both partners to make the journey. As a colleague of mine often says, marriage has two votes. If one partner isn’t invested in doing the work to repair what’s broken, there isn’t much room for growth.
And that’s where courage comes in. It takes courage to be honest about your own willingness and ability to keep trying. It takes courage to say that what you had is no longer there and to decide whether you can build something new together. I am always amazed at the strength of couples who stick it out and create a new, more loving future together. But I am equally in awe of those who bravely choose heartbreak and separation, recognizing that staying together would only lead to further suffering.
Questions to Ask Yourself and Your Partner
- What would a “good enough” relationship look like? How close or far are we from that vision?
- If my partner never changes from who they are today, am I willing to stay?
- What personal changes am I willing to make in my expectations, behaviors, and desires in order to make this work?
- Do I really want to work it out or am I afraid of the consequences of being honest?
- What is our next best move to get closer to clarity in the next 30 days?
There are many other questions to ask yourself and each other but these five can give you some insight and propel you into some kind of action so you can stop feeling stuck and start moving towards clarity.
Call to Action: If you’re at a crossroads in your relationship, don’t navigate it alone. Our therapists at Group Therapy Associates are here to help you find the clarity and courage you need, whether that means working on your marriage or making the brave decision to move on. Explore our therapy services and find the support that’s right for you.