More than ever before, we expect a lot from our marriages. As renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has pointed out, we now look to our partners to fulfill roles that entire communities used to serve: providing a sense of belonging, identity, and even emotional transcendence. With such high expectations, it’s no wonder that so many marriages struggle under the weight of it all.

And if that weren’t enough, many of us also expect our partners to be mind readers. We’ve all thought, “You should have known what I needed without me telling you!” or “How could you not have realized that would upset me?” These thoughts often leave us feeling hurt while our partners stare back in confusion.

While women are frequently accused of expecting mind-reading, in my practice, I’ve seen men make similar assumptions about their wives or girlfriends. The disappointment is often worse due to the cultural belief that women should be “feelings experts,” expected to intuitively know what their partner needs.

The Solution? Stop Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind

My simple advice: don’t expect your partner to automatically know what you need. Just don’t. You’ll save yourself a lot of unnecessary frustration. That said, I know it’s not always that easy. So here are four key strategies to help improve communication in your relationship: 

1) Directly Communicate Your Needs

Whether it’s emotional support, affection, or help solving a problem—be clear with your partner about what you’re asking for. While it can be uncomfortable to openly admit your needs, this vulnerability is key to deepening your connection. Expressing your needs helps build trust and genuine intimacy. Remember, hinting doesn’t count—if you find it difficult to be direct, ask yourself why.

2) It’s Not Cheating to Ask for What You Need

Some people believe that asking their partner for something makes the partner’s efforts less meaningful. But this idea overlooks a simple truth: all mature love is a choice. We choose to fulfill our partner’s needs as an expression of love and commitment. So, if your partner meets your request, don’t dwell on the fact that you had to ask—acknowledge the effort and celebrate their willingness to show up for you.

3) If You’ve Already Asked, Revisit the Conversation

If you’ve been clear about your needs and still feel disappointed, it’s time to have an open conversation. Ask if your partner understands what you’re asking for and why it matters to you. If they’re struggling to meet your needs, try to work together to find a compromise or new ways they can better support you.

4) Sometimes the Answer Will Be No

There may be times when your partner simply can’t meet your need, either because they’re unwilling or unable. In those moments, you’ll need to reflect on whether that particular need is vital to your relationship. Can this need be fulfilled by a friend or another loved one? Or is it something you can live without? It’s important to remember that no relationship can meet every single need.

Embrace Communication, Let Go of Mind-Reading

Expecting your partner to intuitively know your needs is unrealistic and sets your relationship up for disappointment. But when you openly communicate, you create the opportunity for deeper connection and understanding. Let go of the fantasy of mind-reading, and instead, embrace the vulnerability that builds secure love and real intimacy.

Additional Tips and Strategies to Consider:

1. Practice Engaged Listening: When your partner expresses their needs, ensure that you listen without interrupting or offering solutions right away. Notice you’re internal response and take some breaths and pause if you find yourself getting defensive or trying to solve “the problem”.  Curiousity breeds clarity and connection so do your best to stay engaged and inquisitive.

2. Own Your Feelings: When communicating your needs, be mindful to take ownership that this is how you feel but it may not be the full picture.  Our feelings are important, real and deserving of validation.  That said, they only tell our side of the story.  So share openly and when you are ready, ask your partner for their experience as well.

3. Check-In Regularly: Don’t wait for conflict to address unmet needs. Set aside time each week for a “relationship check-in” where both partners can share their feelings and any unspoken needs in a calm, safe space.

4. Know Your Triggers: Recognize what situations or behaviors tend to trigger feelings of being misunderstood or disappointed. Our intimate relationships are often full of interactions that can touch on our tender spots, those places where we have been hurt and lead us to be reactive. Being aware of your own triggers can help prevent them from escalating.

5. Seek Professional Help if Needed: If you and your partner struggle to communicate effectively to build more intimacy, a couples therapist can provide valuable guidance and tools to improve communication and emotional connection.